I am a Domestic Goddess

[attackfish]

Mom decided that with all of her little chicks gone from her nest except for me, and I should be, I really should, she was going to go to a women’s Seder this year with her friends.  Well, that was just fine, I decided, I was going to make Seder for my friends.  For the first time. 

The day before, I spent the morning at Whole Foods, where I couldn’t even buy non-kosher meats.  Clearly the managers know who shops there the day before Passover starts.  The poor produce guy shook his head and asked me why it was that suddenly everyone was asking for horseradish.  Was it national prime rib day and no one told him?

At the meat counter, I ordered a shank bone, and all of a sudden, I had three panicked looking women circling me with a predatory gleam in their eyes.  “Do you know how to do this?  What is the proper way to…?  We’re throwing a Christian Seder…”   Wow, I’m an authority figure on Jewish holidays now.  My Jewish friends and I consider Christian Seders to be extremely amusing.  Almost none of them include the post ceremonial feast, so Christians are torturing themselves with drinking wine at the right time and eating this and this in the right order (and in small amounts) without the matzo ball soup and roasted chicken that make it all worth it.

I invited two gentiles, including Rose, who is wonderfully going to school in town, and one fellow Jew, and there were no children, unless college students count, so we had to go around the table to find the youngest of us to ask the four questions.  We stopped the ceremony frequently to talk, because we started early, and none of us were hungry yet, and Right after we sang Dyanu, I sang the refrain to the tune of “Glitter and be Gay” from Candide.

Rose: Wow, that felt almost religious there for a moment.
Fish: At least I didn’t sing it to the tune of  “Jesus Must Die”.
Rose: Ah, I knew you’d reveal yourself as a Christkiller eventually.

It is a mark of our friendship, and the way she wiggled her eyebrows, that I knew she was joking.

We did not hide the afikomen.  I stuck it under my soup bowl instead, because if I had tried to hide it, the dogs would have found it and eaten it first.  Speaking of the dogs, when I was welcoming Elijah, one of our dogs ran in instead.  From now on, our lab Border collie mix is to be referred to as the prophet Elijah.  Mom also stole Elijah’s wine cup and drank it, because she didn’t want to waste any of the sparkling cherry juice, the sacrilegious miser.

My guests stayed for five hours, so they must have been having a good time.  We all broke out in show tunes at some point, and vowed that we were going to sing “Ladies in their Sensitivities” and “Pretty Women” whenever Pettigrew or Snape come on screen when Half-Blood Prince comes out.

At last, my coreligionist and I reminisced about high school (which was a horrible funny time) and he told me about the year that I missed because I went off to college early.

Coreligionist: The teacher said “Pan seduced a shepherd boy and taught him to blow his pipes.
Fish: Oh good God.

It should be duly noted that this particular teacher was a raving homophobe.

Oh, and one of my dinner guests actually has read my fanfiction, without me sending it to them.  I have entered a parallel universe.

Lest I give the impression that I have no problems at the moment except for school work, I’m ending this post on a sad note.  Monday afternoon I nearly wreaked my car because I fell asleep while driving.  Certain allergic reactions trigger narcoleptic type reactions in me, so I had no time to stop or pull off the road.  One second I was fine and singing along to the radio, the next I was fast asleep.  Fortunately I awoke only a few seconds later.  That’s the first time that has happened while I was driving, and from now on, I’m going to use re-circulated air.

When I arrived home, I took an antihistamine and went to bed, only to be woken up when my mom came home to tell be that Beauty, my sickly cockatiel who has been slowly losing leg strength, died after falling from her perch.  I’ve known that she wouldn’t live into old age for a while, because she has been sick since she hatched, but it still came as a shock.

Archie, my other cockatiel, did not want to play or whistle or let me preen him when I got him out.  I guess it’s hard losing one’s only flockmate.

Comments

[ivanoma.livejournal.com]

I never knew why poeple still say "the Jews killed Christ" I've always felt it would be more accurate to say Roman soldiers egged on by a few Rival Jewish leaders and a mob did it. I shock my Catholic in-laws constantly...and they don't even realze my husband and I converted to Wicca five ears ago.(married 4 years oct. 14th) I find it funny that most who do convert do it becase they think its cool. I did it becuase it helped me develope a talent I find most entertaining. I wold be riding in someones car and suddenly ask them to pull over to some gas station just because I feel we should. I did this with the guy I eventually married once, and he saw me rattle off a bunch of scratch-off lotto tickets and hesitate on one. that time, while I was scratching off winners someone came and bought the one I wasn't sure I wanted. My husband claims I jumped to te counter and demanded the ticket after that, I say I was much calmer. All told I came away with an extra 177 bucks. This amount gets bigger every time my husband tells someone else the story. The fact that my rate of success seemed to be pretty highmakes for certain that he never lets me live it down. One reason I don't play lotto any more. Wish I could do the same with the number drawing ones.
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