attackfish

So during an *ahem* discussion of Azula and her abusiveness, I realized I have never sat down and written a comprehensive version of my particular theory of Azula's breakdown. I've talked about it in comment threads a lot, but I have never dedicated a post to it. So in response to a user on Tumblr who blogs under the name fireroyals, I wrote it up. I figured I should probably post it here The discussion this post is in reply to can be found at my tumblr [link].

( The Three Pillars Theory of Azula, or Ozai is Horrible, Azula is Scary (but also Scared), and I Will Hurt Anybody Who Claims Mai and Ty Lee Betrayed Azula )

Once upon a time, back when my mother had newly converted, and we were still attempting to accumulate all the judaica we needed to set up a ceremonially functioning Jewish household, my mother bought this beautiful menorah. No, seriously, it was gorgeous, very aesthetically pleasing, unfortunately. Each candle is held by a replica of a synagogue destroyed by the Nazis.

Now the last thing I want to think about during one of the few almost unshadowed holidays Judaism has is the Shoah. Really, no. This menorah became legendary among my Jewish friends in high school, in a sort of "Oh how was your Hanukkah?" "Well, my mom brought out the Holocaust menorah again," kind of way. The sociologist in me wants to say that I bonded with my fellow Jewish kids, and affirmed my Jewishness by talking anout having the kind of quirky Jewish mother who had a Holocaust menorah. I'll leave it to you to decide if that's what I'm doing now.

Anyway, ever since my mother bought the thing, I've been plotting its demise. First I tried to reason with Mom, by explaining to her just how horrifying it is, but sadly, she has remained intractable. In addition, each year, I have attempted to replace the Holocaust menorah, including one year when I made a confection of copper and brass wire that I still consider the single best example of my wirework. [link] That thing nearly killed me, literally, as I developed an asthmatic reaction to copper while making it, and really, that should have been enough right? No. Mom loves it. She says it's too pretty to use, she doesn't want to ruin it.

So at that point, grinding my teeth, I was almost ready to conceed defeat. But not quite. Sadly my grandmother caught me trying to lose it during the move, but I have other similarly ethically dubious tricks up my sleeve. This year I may or may not have hidden the Holocaust menorah in an undisclosed location, and while my mother is out of town visiting her father, put up every single other menorah we have, which given that I tried for ten years to replace my mother's inexplicably beloved Holocaust menorah, is kind of a lot of menorahs. I think I've done it this time. We'll find out when Mom comes home Friday. Wish me luck.

My cousin, specifically my father's sister's daughter, got her mitochondrial DNA tested for heritage markers, and it came back that she was of German Jewish extraction, through her mother's mother's mother, etc., which makes me of German Jewish descent through my father's mother as well.  This doesn't surprise me in the least, since I have certain genetic issues much more common among Ashkenazi Jews that don't show up on my mom's side, but I thought it was through my father's mother's father, not her mother.

I'm delighted to have proof however, not because I'm glad to know I have more Jewish heritage (being Jewish isn't exactly something I feel insecure about), but because my paternal grandmother was a horrible, abusive woman who gave her children and grandchildren deep, lifelong emotional scars, and the only reason I was spared the same was because my dad cut off contact with her after she went after my sister.  Anyway, she was also deeply anti-Semitic, and it gives me a rush of spiteful pleasure to know she's of Jewish descent, and I only wish she could have known before she died.  I hope she's rolling in her grave.

They make things like this:



Explains a lot about me, really.

Trauma in modern American media is a tricky thing. On one hand, the backstories of nearly everyone, heroes and villains alike are full of it. On the other, trauma is heavily shamed, and leaves characters open to accusations of weakness, or of being whiny. This means that while we want characters who go through traumatic experiences, we are extremely uncomfortable with expressions of trauma. Also, we are much more comfortable with some expressions of trauma than with others. Only certain kinds of traumatic expression are allowed, and like so much about culture, who and what a character is determines what kind of traumatic expression we as a society will allow them to have. Straight white men are given the most freedom to be traumatized, and stereotypically masculine trauma is the most widely viewed as legitimate within fandom in my experience. A character who was in battle and suffers symptoms of PTSD for example is much less likely to be called weak than a character recovering from an abusive relationship who has the same symptoms. A character who lashes out is much less likely to be considered weak than one who breaks down crying. A character who reacts with anger is seen as stronger than one who reacts with fear. There are very few roles for the traumatized woman or girl in American media. Traumatized women can be broken damsels in need of rescuing, but then once the danger is past, the damsel either recovers quickly, or disappears. They can be villains, who use their trauma as an excuse to hurt others, or they can... well. This isn't to say that portrayals of men coping with trauma are all that great either. For all there are so many more of them, they are usually not especially nuanced, though of course some are.

( This is why I was so amazed and grateful when I saw Avatar: the Last Airbender for the first time, and why Frozen struck such a chord with me as a woman dealing with childhood trauma. Now, in Book Four of Legend of Korra, the narrative is once again giving a female character, this time its heroine, Korra, the space and the right to be traumatized. )

For anyone concerned after I mentioned the threat against my synagogue, the FBI figured  out who made  it, and it turns out it wasn't a threat.  The person who made it has a mental illness that features hallucinations, and they had a vision of the temple being attacked, and called to warn us.  Since this person is well meaning, and severely mentally ill, no charges are being filed, and hopefully, the person involved will be able to get the treatment they need.  Anyway, this means I will be going to Erev Yom Kippur services this year, though the full Yom Kippur service is still too much for Mom's health. She's  doing very well, by the way, and recovering from the lung disease with very little scarring, but she still thought it  best we pick the shorter service.

sholio wrote an essay just recently about why Steve/Bucky AUs don't work for her (the AU part, not the Steve/Bucky part) and quite apart from the contents of the essay, it got me wondering about what we call AUs in fandom currently.  Back when I got started, *crotchety old fan voice* things like high school AUs and coffee shop AUs were called "ARs", or Alternate Reality fics whereas  "AU" referred more broadly to both ARs and also "what if" stories.  However, sholio only talked about AR-style AUs, and a number of her points don't really work for what if AUs.  A while back, I ran an Avatar: the Last Airbender AU meme, and after getting almost exclusively AR prompts (and most of those for fusions) I had to explain that what if prompts were definitely also accepted.  I periodically see meta about how the writer of said meta doesn't think AUs are enough like canon, then goes on to describe only AR-style AUs.

Did the meaning of AU narrow  and I didn't realize it? I would kind of like to know, most of what I write other than drabbles are what-ifs.  What if Lupin bit Snape when they were in school, what if Azula captured Zuko at the beginning of  "The Southern Raiders," what if Iroh died when he drank white jade tea. The story I'm working on right now is a what if: what if those Earth Kingdom soldiers in Book One had managed to capture Iroh and Zuko and take them to Ba Sing Se.  If these aren't AUs, I kind of would like to know what to call them.

It's gray, drizzling, and cool outside, and I just turned a bunch of chicken bones, a head of celery, two lemons, three cups of wild rice, a bunch of parsley, two onions, and five pounds of chicken into ten servings of fantastic soup. Fall is finally here, and it's not allowed to leave.

I am too sickened to say much about the pseudo-military police occupation in Ferguson Missouri, except that I would love to know who the police think they are serving and protecting with their tear gas, assault rifles, and armored vehicles.  The only thing I can see being protected is their own power, and their own supposed "right" to murder young black men by shooting them in the back.

Look at it!



It's been two and a half weeks since the last picture.  This tree's just going wild.

I have a niece!  She was born late in the evening two nights ago on the 6th of August, to my brother and his wife.  She topped out at eight whole pounds and nineteen inches long!  She made her poor mother endure almost twenty-four hours of labor, and when she came out, her face was all swollen.  Her huge cheeks made her look like a little bitty old lady queen Victoria.  The swelling is going down now, and we're finally getting to see what she looks like.

And of course, I'm stuck at my doctor's in California, so I don't get to meet her until Sunday. Until then, I am relying on the pictures my sister-in-law has been sending us.  My favorite one is of her mama holding her, and she's yawning.  I love her little yawn.

Anyway, if you can't tell, I'm smitten.

So in less than twenty four hours, new Legend of Korra episodes will be on the actual TV for what may be the last time in forever.  Unlike a fair bit of this fandom, I don't think even a massive raise in ratings for these last two episodes will change Nickelodeon's mind about moving to an all digital release.  I think that the Nick execs made up their mind that Korra couldn't succeed, and so provided it with none of the tools necessary to make it succeed, and I also think that at this point, they would be able to talk themselves out of recognizing even massive success.  So I am not going to plead with my followers to watch, but I for one would kind of like this franchise's TV run to end with a bang rather than a whimper.

Also, I'm jealous, because I'm stuck at home finishing up the summer semester, instead of at Comic Con with all the cool kids.

What follows is almost completely spoiler free.

In all the awesome that is the new season of The Legend of Korra (and after all the problems with Books One and Two, it’s good to have that awesomeness back) I feel kind of like an ungrateful jerk for complaining about anything, but I do have a minor quibble: the Earth Queen’s allergies.  I’m getting a little sick (no pun intended) of seeing my disability played for laughs, and used to make the suffer look like a buffoon.  There’s a part of me that’s just glad that there isn’t any suggestion that the Earth Queen is faking her allergies, and in fact we get to see her allergies know Pabu’s around, even when he is hidden away.  But I don’t like the way my disability only ever seems to show up as the butt of a joke.  Also, lot’s of nice people who love animals are very allergic to them and have to avoid them because of it, like me with my birds, which I had to give up because allergies to them almost killed me and my mother.

tl:dr The Avatar franchise is usually so good with disability, why aren’t they good with mine?

So after Book One, and it's frustrating habit of almost going to cool places, and Book Two, and the way it seriously angered me, and went nowere near any of the interesting stuff from the first book, and was fuzzy on villain motive, and had unacknowledged abuse and assault issues, and yeah, Book Three, if the premier is anything to go by is shaping up to be awesome.  I mean really!  It's going good places so far!  Who knew?  And it's a good thing, because I still really care about these characters.  My emotions, people!

But it serves me right  for watching it on livestream.  Some creepy 4chan types put homemade Korra/Amon rape porn over the commercials, and I had to find a new stream right in the middle, because fuck no.

Comments should be presumed spoilery.

These are pacifier holders for my future niece.  They're my present for my sister in law's upcoming baby shower.   You clip them to the baby's clothing, and snap a pacifier into them, and that way they don't fall on the floor all the time and get dirty.  It's been a very long time since I've done any embroidery at all, much less without a pattern, but I like the way the little felt animals came out.  They're double sided, and all the ugly backs of the embroidery are hidden in between the two layers of felt.

Anyway, my sister in law's doing the kid's room in a jungle theme with elephants, I made the aliens for my sister who loves aliens, and the owls for myself, because I've been collecting them since I was nine.  So there's something to represent each of her paternal aunts, and something her mother likes.

Anyone thinking of making your own, remember to keep them six inches or less when finished, otherwise they're a strangulation hazard.


Pacifier Holders by Attackfish on deviantART

We had to give up all of the birds.  My mother and I both developed hypersensitivity pneumonitis, specifically the type called bird fancier's lung.  After it caused my mom to develop pneumonia and almost killed her, and made me unable to go to sleep because I couldn't breathe, we found our birds temporary homes with a reputable rescue that will make every effort to keep the birds that should be together, together.  I have worked with them before.  They do very good work, and my babies are safe with them.

I miss my babies terribly, but it had literally become life and death, and my mother and I were at risk of permanent lung function loss.  I have had birds my entire life, and it really hurts that I will never be able to have birds again.

After we found homes for the birds, we had the entire house cleaned, washed all the sheets, and blankets, and curtains, rented giant hepa filters...  I;m starting to be able to breathe again.  But I still miss my birds.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/3-dead-after-suburban-kansas-city-shooting/2014/04/13/3811300c-c34a-11e3-9ee7-02c1e10a03f0_story.html

Once again there are three people dead because someone decided they should die for being Jewish or in this case, daring to associate with Jewish people, and part of me is intellectually going over the reasons why there has always been an uptick in anti-Semitic violence around Easter and Passover, for as long as there has been Easter.  Part of me is busy being angry and making sarcastic quips like the title of this post.  Part of me is again reminded that I should be afraid.  But most of me is just so tired of it all, and wondering if it will ever stop.

And that part of me just hurts for the families of the dead.  Zekher kadosh livrakha, May the memory of the holy be a blessing.

And after last night's episode, all I can say is

( Spoilers )

Anyone want to talk about it?

There are billboards up everywhere advertizing a Christian Seder being held at the Von Braun Center.  Yes, let's just appropriate Jewish religion and culture and the act out the deeply sacred traditions of a religious group that has faced thousands of years of persecution at the hands of Christians, and let's do it in a building named after a Nazi!  I think profanity is an entirely appropriate response, no?

My dogs, man, my dogs.  The things I do for them.

So last night, we got about five inches of snow, most of it in less than an hour.  It's ten o clock at night, and I round up the five dogs for their last excursion before bed.  It's snowing buckets, freezing, and my boys and Teddy are shivering pathetically in their little sweaters, going, gee it's cold out here, lets do our business and get back inside as quick as we can.  Suzy is doing contortions, trying to pee without touching her lady bits to the snow and cursing her two inch long dachshund legs, and Amy...  Amy, who is supposed to be recovering from pneumonia, that stinker, takes off barreling into the night, singing "LET IT GO, LET IT GO, I AM ONE WITH THE WIND AND SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" And I'm standing there wondering why I decided to wear a bathrobe that only goes down to my knees, shouting at her, "Yeah, the cold never bothered you anyway, but but the rest of us would like to go back inside now, you miserable puffball, so get your fuzzy black chow butt up here!  Yes, I can totally see you there in the snow.  It's white, you're black, you are not hidden."  And then she swaggers back inside and gives me this little smirk.

Anyway, its the day before Valentines day, and only two of the characters from my Valentines Crossover Crack Mix and Match Shipping Meme of Doomy Doom have been guessed.  Go over there and try your luck.

They won't, in case you actually were worried. This is something I made two years ago, and somehow, it got packed away with the holiday decorations for God only knows what reason.

( Cut for image size )

I was listening to a lot of The Mamas and the Papas at the time. Yes, most of these are portraits of real people, including myself, my parents, childhood friends, my elementary school band director, Harpo Marx, and Tony Curtis dressed as a woman from Some Like it Hot.

I swear, the next time a Christian tries to compare the Holocaust to the death of Jesus, I may just start screaming.  I mean what the hell?  How is that even a thing you say to someone?  And yes, this is not the first time I have heard this one.   God fucking damn.

All of my vids were taken down from Vimeo for being a violation of copyright, with the stated reason as "Vimeo does not allow TV shows, movie trailers, or stuff you found on the web."  As such, until further notice, my vids are down, and people who host their vids on Vimeo might want to watch out.  I responded, as the email notice of take down stated I was allowed to, with the following:


My vids were not full episodes, trailers (fanmade or otherwise), or any other form of illegal piracy. They were vids, and as such are considered to be fair use transformative works. They are a critical engagement with the source material, in this case, Avatar: the Last Airbender and Legend of Korra. I use them to point out and highlight things about the source material that I like, that I consider problematic, or that I don't think other fans have noticed. For example, in "Azula's Jar of Hearts", I argue that one character, Ty Lee was in an abusive relationship with another character, Azula, and what some fans see as Ty Lee betraying Azula is in fact Ty Lee standing up to her abuser. In "Learn to be Still Korra", I argue that Korra did not learn the lessons in the first season of Legend of Korra that I thought she should have, and that I found her character arc unsatisfying.

Vidding as a form of fair use has been recognized in the United States in a statement by the Librarian of Congress, James H. Billington, on July 26, 2010, ( http://www.copyright.gov/1201/2010/Librarian-of-Congress-1201-Statement.html )in which he said that there were certain classes of works in which it was legal to break DVD description to create, one of which was:

"Motion pictures on DVDs that are lawfully made and acquired and that are protected by the Content Scrambling System when circumvention is accomplished solely in order to accomplish the incorporation of short portions of motion pictures into new works for the purpose of criticism or comment, and where the person engaging in circumvention believes and has reasonable grounds for believing that circumvention is necessary to fulfill the purpose of the use in the following instances:

"(i) Educational uses by college and university professors and by college and university film and media studies students;
"(ii) Documentary filmmaking;
"(iii) Noncommercial videos"

Vidding falls specifically under the third example, and I have already explained how I use the short clips "for the purpose of criticism or comment".

Having read your guidelines, since my works are vids, and not a straight up rip of a TV show, and the clips within them are rearranged, edited, and cut to tell a new story with a new narrative, they do not violate your guidelines, US copyright law, or current international copyright law. Also, your site has already carved out an exception for "Machinima videos with a story" as long as they are labeled as such. Vids are equally a creative fannish endeavor, that use images from a source material in a similar way, and in my view, should be afforded a similar exception.

Please consider returning my vids to your site, or amending your guidelines to make it clear that vids and transformative works like them are not allowed.

Thank you,

Attackfish.

I AM NOW OFFICIALLY AN EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION MAJOR AT ATHENS STATE, AND I HAVE ENROLLED IN CLASSES FOR THE SPRING SEMESTER!!! I CAME BY MY DREAM LATER THAN SOME, BUT NOW THAT I'VE FOUND IT, I AM NOT GOING TO LET ANYTHING STOP ME. DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY DISORDER CAN KISS MY PRETTY ROUND BEHIND!

And if you're a student at Athens State, drop me a line. Maybe we can get together some time.

WHEEEEEE!

Since I am still working on my Hurricane Sandy story (sorry floranna, you'll have your story, I promise) I can't do an offering for the Philippines, but for once in my life, I have a little bit of money, and I was looking to buy a fic.  and sadly, none of my favorite authors in A:tLA are even offering (sad fish face is very sad).  Any of you guys looking at those disaster photos and thinking "I just got to do something"?  Anybody?  They need more offerers.

It's run through fandomaid and they're not running an auction, just a buy-it-now section, but here's the link if you want to look around and maybe shop or offer.  Typhoon Haiyan buy it now fundraiser