Yeah, that is still one of the shit ties things abusers pull, and that says a lot.
I think for most abuse victims, a high degree of understanding the what and how of our abusers and what made them tick kept us a little safer. It let us predict abuse, and sometimes lessen it. The why comes after with a little distended after tearing through all of the lies and self serving half truths. But the bedrock knowledge used to figure out why an abuser does what they do is there already, taught to us by our abusers themselves.
You spend so much time as an abuse victim wrapped up in your abuser and seeing through their eyes that once you don't have to anymore, I think it's pretty natural to shoot off in the other direction and tell yourself for a while that your abuser was not really human and what they wanted you to see wasn't really how they saw. Then, later when the anger burns out, you start oving to the middle and realizing that you can recognize the truth about how your abuser felt and was lying to themselves without justifying the abuse.
My abuser used me to abuse her sister and brother, and vice versa. For many abusers, turning their victim into an accomplice is a favorite tactic. The fact that after I broke away from her and she started stalking me, I was able to make peace with her brother and sister, and even ser up an escape route for her sister is one of the things that really helped me recover. Realizing that while you might not have done anything wrong to be abused, you still have to look close at what you have done to others in your pain is difficult.
I really hate the vision society has of victims, and the new rhetoric of "I am a survivor, not a victim" well I'm both, and my suffering wouldn't be any less important if I stopped surviving, thanks. Maybe it's because I'm Jewish, and victim hood and survivorship is understood in terms of the Holocaust and there's no sense that having died a victim is more shameful or more a sign of weakness than surviving. The word victim has a much less negative connotation in that community.
And I think the anti-victim rhetoric is abuser logic. Victims deserve it, and this is why victim is an insult, and victims are all a certain way. A lot of victims deal with this by saying you're wrong, but a lot of them deal with it unfortunately by saying I'm not a victim, not like those victims. This is where a lot of the "I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor," rhetoric comes from.
Yeah, the idea of abuser as monster with no rhyme or reason absolutely does shield real abusers.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2015-04-14 05:17 pm (UTC)I think for most abuse victims, a high degree of understanding the what and how of our abusers and what made them tick kept us a little safer. It let us predict abuse, and sometimes lessen it. The why comes after with a little distended after tearing through all of the lies and self serving half truths. But the bedrock knowledge used to figure out why an abuser does what they do is there already, taught to us by our abusers themselves.
You spend so much time as an abuse victim wrapped up in your abuser and seeing through their eyes that once you don't have to anymore, I think it's pretty natural to shoot off in the other direction and tell yourself for a while that your abuser was not really human and what they wanted you to see wasn't really how they saw. Then, later when the anger burns out, you start oving to the middle and realizing that you can recognize the truth about how your abuser felt and was lying to themselves without justifying the abuse.
My abuser used me to abuse her sister and brother, and vice versa. For many abusers, turning their victim into an accomplice is a favorite tactic. The fact that after I broke away from her and she started stalking me, I was able to make peace with her brother and sister, and even ser up an escape route for her sister is one of the things that really helped me recover. Realizing that while you might not have done anything wrong to be abused, you still have to look close at what you have done to others in your pain is difficult.
I really hate the vision society has of victims, and the new rhetoric of "I am a survivor, not a victim" well I'm both, and my suffering wouldn't be any less important if I stopped surviving, thanks. Maybe it's because I'm Jewish, and victim hood and survivorship is understood in terms of the Holocaust and there's no sense that having died a victim is more shameful or more a sign of weakness than surviving. The word victim has a much less negative connotation in that community.
And I think the anti-victim rhetoric is abuser logic. Victims deserve it, and this is why victim is an insult, and victims are all a certain way. A lot of victims deal with this by saying you're wrong, but a lot of them deal with it unfortunately by saying I'm not a victim, not like those victims. This is where a lot of the "I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor," rhetoric comes from.
Yeah, the idea of abuser as monster with no rhyme or reason absolutely does shield real abusers.