For many abusers, turning their victim into an accomplice is a favorite tactic.
Yup, not only does it help validate the abuser's alternate reality (see, she thinks I'm right, too!), it's also an excellent way to isolate victims from each other and keep them from uniting against the abuser. Breaking the isolation and the silence to come together in solidarity is how we overcome not only individual abusers, but abuse itself.
Realizing that while you might not have done anything wrong to be abused, you still have to look close at what you have done to others in your pain is difficult.
That self-awareness is the difference between an abuser and someone with deep-seated problems, between Azula and Books 1-2 Zuko if you will. The abuser finds ways to justify what they do and won't admit they're the problem, while the troubled person admits they have a problem and vows to do better, successfully or not.
If I'd started constructing elaborate reasons why my explosions of temper were my boyfriend's fault, and how terrible a boyfriend he was for making me act this way, I would have assuaged the immediate hardship of examining myself and my actions. I would also have crossed into full abuser territory, and whether he had stayed or left our relationship would have been lost, either ended (the better outcome) or twisted into something terrible. I wasn't as sorry as I should have been, but I still held on to the minimal awareness that I was wrong. I'd hate to think what I would have become without feeling that legitimate pain.
Maybe it's because I'm Jewish, and victim hood and survivorship is understood in terms of the Holocaust and there's no sense that having died a victim is more shameful or more a sign of weakness than surviving. The word victim has a much less negative connotation in that community.
That is fascinating, and is very reasonable. I'm part of dominant cultures (Korean, mainstream American) that are used to pushing minorities around, which may contribute to their distorted views of victimhood. Would you say the Jewish community is also better at supporting victims of abuse?
And I think the anti-victim rhetoric is abuser logic.
It absolutely is. And much like abuser-as-monster, it's used to deny abuse and erase victims. I watched in disbelief while people derided Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quinn as "professional victims" and talked about how incredibly calm they were in talking about the barrage of vile threats they received, which in their minds proved these women weren't real victims. Except if Sarkeesian and Quinn were crying and distraught in public (entirely valid responses), these trolls would be deriding them for how weak they are. Abuse apologists, ugh.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2015-04-15 05:19 am (UTC)Yup, not only does it help validate the abuser's alternate reality (see, she thinks I'm right, too!), it's also an excellent way to isolate victims from each other and keep them from uniting against the abuser. Breaking the isolation and the silence to come together in solidarity is how we overcome not only individual abusers, but abuse itself.
That self-awareness is the difference between an abuser and someone with deep-seated problems, between Azula and Books 1-2 Zuko if you will. The abuser finds ways to justify what they do and won't admit they're the problem, while the troubled person admits they have a problem and vows to do better, successfully or not.
If I'd started constructing elaborate reasons why my explosions of temper were my boyfriend's fault, and how terrible a boyfriend he was for making me act this way, I would have assuaged the immediate hardship of examining myself and my actions. I would also have crossed into full abuser territory, and whether he had stayed or left our relationship would have been lost, either ended (the better outcome) or twisted into something terrible. I wasn't as sorry as I should have been, but I still held on to the minimal awareness that I was wrong. I'd hate to think what I would have become without feeling that legitimate pain.
That is fascinating, and is very reasonable. I'm part of dominant cultures (Korean, mainstream American) that are used to pushing minorities around, which may contribute to their distorted views of victimhood. Would you say the Jewish community is also better at supporting victims of abuse?
It absolutely is. And much like abuser-as-monster, it's used to deny abuse and erase victims. I watched in disbelief while people derided Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quinn as "professional victims" and talked about how incredibly calm they were in talking about the barrage of vile threats they received, which in their minds proved these women weren't real victims. Except if Sarkeesian and Quinn were crying and distraught in public (entirely valid responses), these trolls would be deriding them for how weak they are. Abuse apologists, ugh.