I Conquered Persia for the Harem

 I am a dreadful misanthrope.  My professors routinely wonder about how I manage to be so civically minded and yet dislike people as much as I do.  I like people in theory, I just don’t deal well with the real thing.  This is why I like history.  It informs me that whatever strange and terrible things humans are doing in the present, at least we aren’t declining.  We aren’t improving, but we aren’t getting any worse.  This is a very liberating feeling, and rather comforting.

I think history is really funny.  Everything we humans do is completely absurd.  I tell history like most people tell jokes.  Usually the people close to me know better than to give me an opening, but sometimes they slip up.

Mom: We should all be glad Ziggy is a dog.  If he were human, he’d be conquering the world.
Fish: He’s only nine months old.  He couldn’t do much damage.
Mom: Well look at Alexander the Great, he was a kid when he started conquering.
Fish: He was eighteen, and fighting under his father, who only brought him along because he was worried he was too effeminate.  His dad said “I want to take you to conquer Greece to toughen you up,” and Alexander said “Great!  Sounds like fun, when do we leave?”
Mom: Should my sword color coordinate with my shield or with my lace up shoes?  Wait till the boys see me in this short metal skirt!
Fish: *brightly* he conquered Persia for the harem, you know!

Mom took bisexual nymphomaniac hyperactive Alexander very much in stride, so I told her about the Diadochi, Antipater, Perdiccas, Lysimachus, Seleucus, Antigonus, and Ptolemy.  Mom recognized the name Ptolemy!  So I told her about Cleopatra.

Fish: She snuck into Caesar’s rooms in a carpet.
Mom: Not Anthony?
Fish: The important thing is the carpet.

I told her how much the Roman populous hated her when she visited.

Mom: Oh, is that when she met Anthony?
Fish: No, that’s when Caesar made the senate hate him.

It wasn’t that he was having an affair, because they were used to that.  They were even used to his sleeping with high ranking married women.  He was famous for it.

Caesar: You too, Brutus? But you're quite possibly my bastard!
Brutus: I always liked Oedipus Rex.

But she brought up Anthony, so I told her that story too.  The story goes something like this:

Anthony: I am here to show you who's boss, Egyptian witch.
Cleopatra: Hey, I have an idea, why don't I unite my army and navy and fortune with your army and navy and fortune, and kick Octavian out?
Anthony: I think I love you.
Cleopatra: I have such a weakness for Romans in uniform.

Mom said I sound like I expect to call these people up and invite them to lunch.  I don’t of course, the stuffed dormice and flamingo tongues cost too much.