Demented Cookie Jar

The ladies and gentlemen at Potions and Snitches aren't usually the sort to discuss truely terrifying things like Bellatrix/Fenrir and the potential for offspring, but we got talking about the worst Harry Potter fandom pairings, and when someone brought up Harry/Wormtail, that was too much for the rest of us.

Online Person: Gotta wonder where people get their ideas for fanfics sometimes...
Fish: there's this ensorcelled cookie jar, you see, and people pull out little pottery shards called ostrica, and as soon as they touch them, they feel compelled to write whatever horrors are etched into it's drab, ancient surface.  It dances just out of reach of one's writing desk like a monstrous snitch until it has lured the author away. Then it pounces, its lid sliding away to reveal a gaping hole that lunges forward to cover the whole arm of the unsuspecting fic writer, spinning hypnotically around it until the writer's fingers find a shard and pull it out, only to find themselves TRAPPED!
Online Person: Er...
Fish: *cackles*
Online Person: I think it's got YOU, Attackfish. Better check your fingers...

Dad was driving me to Arabic class last Thursday, because it's after dark and he needs to be close by in case someone's using their fireplace and I can't drive home.  Usually this means father daughter bonding over reciting Star Wars scenes verbatim, but this time, he had the nerve to correct my grammar.

Fish: It's like... twenty pounds.
Dad: You cannot use "like" to compare two quantities!  It's colloquial, not standard.
Fish: This makes English a very odd language, you know.
Dad: Except in law, where you find the phrase "in like amounts", but that's just because otherwise some clever lawyer would say that the atoms of the two samples would have to be counted to determine whether they're equal, and then what about the atoms on the periphery, do they belong to the air, or to the samples?
Fish: And then each of those atoms would have to be checked for mass, because what if one sample has more neutrons?
Dad: And since mass is related to how much energy is in matter, what if one sample is slightly warmer?  Do you know how far off the calculations could be?
Fish: Not exactly, but the difference would have to be pretty minute.
Dad: Minute!  It's practically miniscule, it's like... infinitesimally small!
Fish: Gotcha!
Dad: I was using the colloquial!

I shouldn't be so hard, I mean, the man's from Saturn.  I shouldn't exploit my Earth birth.

I don't know if I've mentioned this already, but I have a new ring neck parakeet named Pepe, after a certain amorous skunk.  He's supposed to get along with Mom's lady ring neck, but he and I... we have something special.  I'm in a love triangle with feather-balls.  Pepe might flirt with Chiquita, but he feeds me.  Now, I've had other birds who vomited on me to show their affection, but Pepe is the first to realize my mouth is like a beak and aim accordingly.

Fish: It's really sweet, actually, he's trying to show me he'd be a good daddy.
Cat: Oh my god, that must taste awful!
Fish: Not really, but I had to spit it out really quickly, because it wasn't organic.