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Festival of Lights
Dec. 18th, 2009 06:35 pmTonight is the last night of Hanukkah, and at this time of year, at this odd unimportant footnote in the Jewish ceremonial calender that gets so much press, I feel an obligation to say something Jewish, whatever that means. You’d think I’d pick Yom Kippur, the most important Jewish holiday from a religious standpoint, or Passover, the great holiday of Jewish identity and the struggle for freedom. If any holiday was made for activism, that one is. I don’t even like what Hanukkah stands for. It stands for the punishment of crypto-Jews, fanaticism, and a pure, orthodox forced compliance with Jewish law. It stands for two equally intolerant sides in a war fighting until one gets its way. I prefer to ignore all that in favor of the lights and chasing away the darkness, and spending time at the synagogue with other Jews.
There’s something magical about being at the synagogue, even when I’m not there for learning or services, or anything particularly meaningful. Everyone I talk to there is going to be Jewish. These are people who in this at least are like me. I don’t have to constantly worry that someone there is going to say something stupid about how much Christianity and Judaism have in common and then list something that Jews don’t believe. I don’t have to smile as another person assumes I’m Christian or treats me like a senile grandparent when they find out I’m not. It’s very restful.
This time of year, I feel the most Jewish. It’s not Hanukkah that makes me feel this way, but Christmas. This time of year, every time I walk out of my house or turn on the television, or open my mail, I’m bombarded with reminders that I don’t belong. I’m reminded that I’m different, and all of a sudden, I start to need that restful presence of other Jews.
Most of the year, it’s occasional surprise reminders, little things, sometimes offensive, sometimes not, but this time of year, it’s constant. Everyone’s whipped into a frenzy over a holiday I don’t celebrate, a holiday that in the United States is more a mass cultural event than an expression of religious devotion.
I know the words to all of the popular Christmas carols, and a lot of unpopular ones as well. I know every detail of how Christmas is celebrated in most American homes, and all of the local customs of New Mexico, where I live. I know the stories and history behind most of these customs as well. I have to. The information is thrown at me. But no one has to know my celebrations or have any real idea of the stories behind my holiday.
There’s nothing wrong with this. My feelings of profound isolation aren’t the fault of anyone’s bad behavior, and I’m not asking, or even wishing this mass celebration would go away. Culture is about community, about a shared way of believing and acting. Otherwise, it isn’t culture; it’s personal quirks, and in a country where almost everyone is either Christian or the product of a Christian cultural background, it’s right and good that Christian holidays should be celebrated in this exuberant public manner.
But the reason Hanukkah is celebrated the way it is now, in the United States is that on some level, we Jews, as a community want to be more like the gentiles, to tie ourselves tighter into this culture in which we find ourselves, to feel a little less foreign in our homelands.
When I hear WASPs say they have no culture (usually as a sulky response to being told they’re not allowed to play with someone else’s culture) I wonder what they think I’m emulating then. If decorating in a certain way, singing proscribed songs, sharing the same stories, eating holiday foods, and turning everything inside out for a shared holiday isn’t culture, I don’t know what is. But all of this is invisible, because it’s “normal”. It’s what “everyone” does, so when I don’t, I’m obviously not normal, but “exotic”.
Except when I’m not exotic, I’m just a grinch. Even when my culture, my religion is used, they say this. The church that hosts the twelve step meeting for which I babysit has a star of David for the Magi to follow because “Just as the star led the way for the Magi to the baby Jesus, Judaism led the way to Christianity”. That’s what they think of my religion. I’m sure they’re trying to be inclusive, but really, they can’t figure out what to do with the idiot Jews who haven’t gotten on board with the whole Jesus business like they were supposed to. But when I say something, I’m the one being offensive. I’m the one ruining the fun. It makes me wonder about the sanity of people who honestly think there’s a war against Christmas. They must really think their opponents are ineffective. Don’t they notice the constant shaming of people who don’t celebrate Christmas? Of course they don’t; they’re not being shamed. Don’t they notice the constant barrage of Christmas everything?
I guess not.
I feel most Jewish right now, because I feel least gentile. It’s no one’s fault, no one’s to blame, but please forgive me if I seem a bit sullen, and retreat to the synagogue, and don’t invite you over for latkes.
There’s something magical about being at the synagogue, even when I’m not there for learning or services, or anything particularly meaningful. Everyone I talk to there is going to be Jewish. These are people who in this at least are like me. I don’t have to constantly worry that someone there is going to say something stupid about how much Christianity and Judaism have in common and then list something that Jews don’t believe. I don’t have to smile as another person assumes I’m Christian or treats me like a senile grandparent when they find out I’m not. It’s very restful.
This time of year, I feel the most Jewish. It’s not Hanukkah that makes me feel this way, but Christmas. This time of year, every time I walk out of my house or turn on the television, or open my mail, I’m bombarded with reminders that I don’t belong. I’m reminded that I’m different, and all of a sudden, I start to need that restful presence of other Jews.
Most of the year, it’s occasional surprise reminders, little things, sometimes offensive, sometimes not, but this time of year, it’s constant. Everyone’s whipped into a frenzy over a holiday I don’t celebrate, a holiday that in the United States is more a mass cultural event than an expression of religious devotion.
I know the words to all of the popular Christmas carols, and a lot of unpopular ones as well. I know every detail of how Christmas is celebrated in most American homes, and all of the local customs of New Mexico, where I live. I know the stories and history behind most of these customs as well. I have to. The information is thrown at me. But no one has to know my celebrations or have any real idea of the stories behind my holiday.
There’s nothing wrong with this. My feelings of profound isolation aren’t the fault of anyone’s bad behavior, and I’m not asking, or even wishing this mass celebration would go away. Culture is about community, about a shared way of believing and acting. Otherwise, it isn’t culture; it’s personal quirks, and in a country where almost everyone is either Christian or the product of a Christian cultural background, it’s right and good that Christian holidays should be celebrated in this exuberant public manner.
But the reason Hanukkah is celebrated the way it is now, in the United States is that on some level, we Jews, as a community want to be more like the gentiles, to tie ourselves tighter into this culture in which we find ourselves, to feel a little less foreign in our homelands.
When I hear WASPs say they have no culture (usually as a sulky response to being told they’re not allowed to play with someone else’s culture) I wonder what they think I’m emulating then. If decorating in a certain way, singing proscribed songs, sharing the same stories, eating holiday foods, and turning everything inside out for a shared holiday isn’t culture, I don’t know what is. But all of this is invisible, because it’s “normal”. It’s what “everyone” does, so when I don’t, I’m obviously not normal, but “exotic”.
Except when I’m not exotic, I’m just a grinch. Even when my culture, my religion is used, they say this. The church that hosts the twelve step meeting for which I babysit has a star of David for the Magi to follow because “Just as the star led the way for the Magi to the baby Jesus, Judaism led the way to Christianity”. That’s what they think of my religion. I’m sure they’re trying to be inclusive, but really, they can’t figure out what to do with the idiot Jews who haven’t gotten on board with the whole Jesus business like they were supposed to. But when I say something, I’m the one being offensive. I’m the one ruining the fun. It makes me wonder about the sanity of people who honestly think there’s a war against Christmas. They must really think their opponents are ineffective. Don’t they notice the constant shaming of people who don’t celebrate Christmas? Of course they don’t; they’re not being shamed. Don’t they notice the constant barrage of Christmas everything?
I guess not.
I feel most Jewish right now, because I feel least gentile. It’s no one’s fault, no one’s to blame, but please forgive me if I seem a bit sullen, and retreat to the synagogue, and don’t invite you over for latkes.
