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You, reader, may have been wondering where I have been and why you've had such long silence from me except for the occasional drabble. Truth is, I’ve been writing my Avatar big bang fic, which you don't get to see, and also I've been out of town for two weeks. On Friday, several weeks ago, I finished my last final exam for the semester, and at three o’clock on Saturday morning, I dragged myself onto a plane to North Carolina, entirely without sleep. Because I pack like a procrastinating decapitated chicken, I finished tracking down my belongings and shoving them into a suitcase around midnight, and did the only sensible thing. I made a pot of coffee, ate some leftover tacos, and stayed up until the wee small hours. Which is a good thing, because Mom and Dad overslept.
FISH: *knocks on parents’ door*
PARENTS’ ROOM: *echoing silence*
FISH: *pokes head in* Mom? Dad? I just wanted to know you don’t have to yell at me to get up, because I already am... Wait a second, you guys were supposed to be up a half an hour ago.
MOM: *mumbles*
DAD: Five more minutes...
FISH: Oh great, whatever shall I do now.
FISH’S EVIL MIND: You know, this is the perfect time to pay them back for those years and years of sleep so cruelly cut short.
FISH: But I can’t do that; my virtuous conscience would prevent me!
FISH’S CONSCIENCE: *echoing silence*
FISH: Ahahahaha ha ha!
Yes, reader, I confess, I shook them awake. And then as soon as I got on the airplane, I collapsed and slept the ride away. Staying up all night has its advantages.
We switched planes in Chicago, where, somehow, we picked up my sister. I have no idea how this happened. My sister flew in from Alabama. She spent the plane ride drawing zombies. I spent the plane ride drooling in my sleep. Good times. Lots of family bonding.
At the rented vacation house (which I think was bigger than our normal house) we met up with both my brothers and some of my cousins. My twin nephews arrived earlier in the afternoon, so they were all settled and weren’t even out of sorts by the time we got there. We got the pure fun, their parents got the nightmare. I think it’s a fair situation.
The thing about three year old boys is, reader, you have to introduce yourself to them each time you see them if you don’t live nearby.
FISH: Hi! sweety, do you remember me?
NEPHEW: Yeah.
FISH: Really?!?! Who am I?
NEPHEW: *looks at his dad, and then at me again* Oh man!
It wasn’t a proper family reunion, as with my family there’d be more than a hundred of us if it were, but there will still five little boys around to teach the ancient, unholy mysteries of our bloodline.
Crabbing. That’s right, we’re Jews who crab. So very not Kosher, which doesn't matter to us, but probably mattered to my mom's great-grandparents, who started this whole tradition. Every day, I'm thankful they overcame their devotion to their people's traditions in this instance. In the time honored way, I tied a chicken leg to a string and dangled it over a dock while my mom stood by with a net. Crabbing for blue claws is easy. Every time you feel a tug on the chicken leg, you draw it up slowly and your partner scoops it up with the net. You throw back the females, who haven't laid their eggs yet this early in the season, and the little ones and keep the grown males. This isn’t Deadliest Catch stuff or anything, thank God.
The boys were a bit young to actually crab, but they babysat the bucket and watched our prizes fight. My nephew was all for throwing them back, he was quickly vetoed. My other nephew, despite not being descended from my mom's side of the family at all, however, showed the proper spirit, and since we had to sit out in the nasty, stormy, freezing weather to catch the monsters, he wanted to eat them. This sort of viciousness is not only commendable, but required to be a proper member of this family.
My nephew must have inherited his squeamishness from my brother. Finding out that meat came from actual animals was so traumatic he almost became a vegetarian.
DAD: How does fish sound for dinner?
BROTHER: Does fish come from swimming fish? *wide eyes*
DAD: *is utterly clueless* Mmmhmm.
BROTHER: Our friends the fish?
DAD: Ummm...
BROTHER: And chicken? Is that our friends the chickens?
DAD: ...
BROTHER: *in full scale little boy freak out* What about pork and beef?
DAD: Oh no.
My sister actually did go vegetarian for about a half a day when she was little. She announced to the family that from then on, she wouldn't eat anything with a face and swept away high-mindedly. My other brother took her absence as an opportunity to draw smily faces on every single bit of food in the house.
Of course, all this talk of vegetarianism stopped when my sister found out ham and cheese sandwiches wouldn't be on the menu.
Anyway, my squeamish nephew refused to eat any of the crabs we caught for dinner, so the brother of mine who isn’t my nephews’ father, being kind, cooked him some ribs on the grill. My nephew had never had ribs before.
NEPHEW: What are these?
FISH: They’re ribs. Can you show me your ribs? *tickles him in the ribs*
NEPHEW: *points to his ribs, considers things for a moment, and starts to freak* Are these people ribs?!?!!
FISH: No, these are pork ribs. They come from pigs.
FISH’S BRAIN: Oh no, now you’ve done it. Now we’re going to be hearing about our friends the pigs all eve-
NEPHEW: Oh, okay! *goes back to eating his ribs*
Phew.
FISH: *knocks on parents’ door*
PARENTS’ ROOM: *echoing silence*
FISH: *pokes head in* Mom? Dad? I just wanted to know you don’t have to yell at me to get up, because I already am... Wait a second, you guys were supposed to be up a half an hour ago.
MOM: *mumbles*
DAD: Five more minutes...
FISH: Oh great, whatever shall I do now.
FISH’S EVIL MIND: You know, this is the perfect time to pay them back for those years and years of sleep so cruelly cut short.
FISH: But I can’t do that; my virtuous conscience would prevent me!
FISH’S CONSCIENCE: *echoing silence*
FISH: Ahahahaha ha ha!
Yes, reader, I confess, I shook them awake. And then as soon as I got on the airplane, I collapsed and slept the ride away. Staying up all night has its advantages.
We switched planes in Chicago, where, somehow, we picked up my sister. I have no idea how this happened. My sister flew in from Alabama. She spent the plane ride drawing zombies. I spent the plane ride drooling in my sleep. Good times. Lots of family bonding.
At the rented vacation house (which I think was bigger than our normal house) we met up with both my brothers and some of my cousins. My twin nephews arrived earlier in the afternoon, so they were all settled and weren’t even out of sorts by the time we got there. We got the pure fun, their parents got the nightmare. I think it’s a fair situation.
The thing about three year old boys is, reader, you have to introduce yourself to them each time you see them if you don’t live nearby.
FISH: Hi! sweety, do you remember me?
NEPHEW: Yeah.
FISH: Really?!?! Who am I?
NEPHEW: *looks at his dad, and then at me again* Oh man!
It wasn’t a proper family reunion, as with my family there’d be more than a hundred of us if it were, but there will still five little boys around to teach the ancient, unholy mysteries of our bloodline.
Crabbing. That’s right, we’re Jews who crab. So very not Kosher, which doesn't matter to us, but probably mattered to my mom's great-grandparents, who started this whole tradition. Every day, I'm thankful they overcame their devotion to their people's traditions in this instance. In the time honored way, I tied a chicken leg to a string and dangled it over a dock while my mom stood by with a net. Crabbing for blue claws is easy. Every time you feel a tug on the chicken leg, you draw it up slowly and your partner scoops it up with the net. You throw back the females, who haven't laid their eggs yet this early in the season, and the little ones and keep the grown males. This isn’t Deadliest Catch stuff or anything, thank God.
The boys were a bit young to actually crab, but they babysat the bucket and watched our prizes fight. My nephew was all for throwing them back, he was quickly vetoed. My other nephew, despite not being descended from my mom's side of the family at all, however, showed the proper spirit, and since we had to sit out in the nasty, stormy, freezing weather to catch the monsters, he wanted to eat them. This sort of viciousness is not only commendable, but required to be a proper member of this family.
My nephew must have inherited his squeamishness from my brother. Finding out that meat came from actual animals was so traumatic he almost became a vegetarian.
DAD: How does fish sound for dinner?
BROTHER: Does fish come from swimming fish? *wide eyes*
DAD: *is utterly clueless* Mmmhmm.
BROTHER: Our friends the fish?
DAD: Ummm...
BROTHER: And chicken? Is that our friends the chickens?
DAD: ...
BROTHER: *in full scale little boy freak out* What about pork and beef?
DAD: Oh no.
My sister actually did go vegetarian for about a half a day when she was little. She announced to the family that from then on, she wouldn't eat anything with a face and swept away high-mindedly. My other brother took her absence as an opportunity to draw smily faces on every single bit of food in the house.
Of course, all this talk of vegetarianism stopped when my sister found out ham and cheese sandwiches wouldn't be on the menu.
Anyway, my squeamish nephew refused to eat any of the crabs we caught for dinner, so the brother of mine who isn’t my nephews’ father, being kind, cooked him some ribs on the grill. My nephew had never had ribs before.
NEPHEW: What are these?
FISH: They’re ribs. Can you show me your ribs? *tickles him in the ribs*
NEPHEW: *points to his ribs, considers things for a moment, and starts to freak* Are these people ribs?!?!!
FISH: No, these are pork ribs. They come from pigs.
FISH’S BRAIN: Oh no, now you’ve done it. Now we’re going to be hearing about our friends the pigs all eve-
NEPHEW: Oh, okay! *goes back to eating his ribs*
Phew.
